He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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