Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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