I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
