To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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