apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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