I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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