when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
