I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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