know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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