yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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