she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
