it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
