Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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