The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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