i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
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