Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Barsexuality is the new black.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
