Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
