party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
