i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She bit a glass in half.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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