Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
