I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
