it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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