Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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