In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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