Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
