Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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