he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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