please come you make the beer taste better
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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