I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize