i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he shaved USA in his pubs
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
