tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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