I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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