So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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