I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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