I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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