I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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