I think im going to throw up on grandma
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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