He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
