So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
