WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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