it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
