if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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