I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
