fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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