went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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