You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
