i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
