Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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