if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
