His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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