Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
