So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
