the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
