guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
