Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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