yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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