a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
