I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
