I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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