There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
