paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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