naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
And then my night got REAL pukey
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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